Salome

1894 for first English translation, but written in French in 1893
Oscar Wilde, translated by Lord Alfred Douglas
Salome
F+


Wretched on just about every level, it's hard to say how much of this is Lord Alfred's fault (like so much in Wilde's life), and how much of the play was bad to begin with.  I don't know French, but here's my translation--
YOUNG SIRIAN:  The princess is so pretty, with feet like silver.
PAGE:  Dude, why are you always looking at her?
JOKANAAN:  (offstage) The queen is a slut.
HERODIAS:  Honey, that preacher is insulting me!
HEROD:  Not by name.
SALOME:  The preacher is rude about my mother.  I must meet him.
HEROD:  My stepdaughter is pretty.  Her skin is as white as moonlight and fish bellies.
HERODIAS:  Dude, why are you always looking at her?
SALOME:  The preacher is as pale as I am, like diamonds and bones.  I must meet him.  (Jokanaan enters)  You're hot!  Let's snog!
JOKANAAN:  You're a slut like your mother!
SALOME:  You're disgusting.  Kiss me!
(Young Sirian kills himself.  Herod almost slips in the blood.)
HEROD:  This is a bad omen.  Minion, get a mop!  (The Jews argue about whether the Messiah has come.)  Stepdaughter, you are white like pearls and eyeballs.  Dance for me!
SALOME:  Will you give me anything I want?
HERODIAS:  Don't do it!
HEROD:  Of course.
SALOME:  OK.  (She dances.) 
HEROD:  What gift did you want, Princess?
SALOME:  Bring me the head of John the Baptist!
HEROD:  Who?
SALOME:  Jokanaan.
HEROD:  You must be jokan.
SALOME:  Please.
HERODIAS:  Do it!
HEROD:  No way.
SALOME:  Pretty please.
HEROD:  (sighing) Oh, all right.  (Jokanaan is killed.  Salome kisses his head.)  Your daughter is disgusting!
HERODIAS:  I'm so proud.
HEROD:  (to soldiers) Kill Salome!  (They do.)

THE END